Humanity's End & The End of My Heart
by senjyokani
Summary: AU one shot. Ayanami Rei didn't mind dying as long as she is regenerated and has the will to continue loving Shinji. But for a grown-up Shinji, he finds little significance in continuing his kinship with a clone, much less when he realized his feelings for Asuka at an hour too late to save. Rei witnesses his change.


**I do not own all of Evangelion.**

* * *

Humanity's End & The End of My Heart.  
[One-Shot]

Ever since that day I find it a real pain to open up to others.

I was dead wrong. I mistook the "you" who reached me in the present is the same you who liked being around me; that fragile, emotional boy in the past who's not yet a man.

And then you matured. You're a man now. That's when I thought, maybe this is the real you. This present persona of you who doesn't have time to listen to my everyday occurrences, my developments in social excursions, current friends, and even improved cooking skills. Making tea is too easy for me now. I can cook a full-course meal for you if you want, just so you know.

Yet I still love you all the same. But still, it seems that we can never unite. You closed your doors to me long ago when we fought over something I couldn't understand, and my doors are starting to close as well after what we eventually did in the end.

You rejected my embrace.

"You're not the old Ayanami. Please don't act like one."

I don't know what you're talking about. I'm Ayanami. I wish I could tell you that but then you'll burst into an incomprehensible rage which couldn't be repressed by me alone. Come to think of it, you've matured, but some part of you didn't.

I don't want to inflict more pain on you, so I lessened our meetings and conversations.

* * *

I'm losing faith in us. There isn't us from the start. I was rejected, indirectly by your unanswered calls. The pain was excruciating. But I kept my faith. Until it happened. You called, and you wanted to meet me at my apartment.

I didn't know what I was thinking on that day. It was in a subtle notion that I wanted to caress you in the flesh, and yet I knew it's not going to heal nor ignite anything. I couldn't feel love. Your body is there but your mind is someplace else. Is it with another girl? Who? But you were fondling me all over and even pleasured me until the end.

It was then during your sleep, you muttered,

"Why did you leave me, Asuka? You're the only one who understands me. Misato-san couldn't. Ayanami couldn't. So please don't marry that guy...Asuka, come back..."

I knew I was nothing but a tool.

The fear of being rejected & resented by you stays a prison to my feelings. And that one experience has caged & locked the path to my soul.

I begin to not feel your existence around me the moment you stepped out of my place.

I never open up to people ever since.

* * *

Where were you when I needed you? I was always around when you're sad as comfort and salvation. But that's back in the past. In the present, you shoulder your own pain & chose not to confide in others, or you simply just chose to not trust me anymore.

I can't blame you. I can't fully trust you either.

I don't know you.

My body starts to degenerate with my mind. I started not taking my usual medications & skipping medical check ups ever so often.

A week has passed and the last memory of the remaining days I have is the stains of blood on my sheets; my bones became even more brittle than before & I could hardly stand up without breaking them. A bunch of medical personnel came to my rescue after seeing a marked increase in my absence of my medical appointments.

For some reason, I didn't mind dying.

You didn't need me anymore.

Why should I live?

* * *

My memories of you were wiped out. I was close to not being a survivor after deciding to neglect my routine and duties as my past self circa 5 years ago.

And I think, I am the fifth.

I don't even know who am I talking to right now. You? I can't even remember your face and your name. Might as well remove that entity from this brand new array of thoughts.

I unlocked the entrance of the tank and put on my clothes as ordered, and it was then I saw a man. A man in his mid-thirties with an estranged aura and a stolid appearance that would stun people a second before deciding to look away. But for some reason, I could still sense a streak of kindness & compassion in him regardless of his outer facade.

A man with a past.

That man eventually walked up to me, stared a bit at my figure with his tired eyes and smiled despite his inner conflict- something which I have no current information of. That man started to introduce himself politely.

"Hello, I'm Shinji Ikari. The commander of this research institute. Your tentative name is Ayanami Rei. You might be a bit fazed by all this but don't worry, it's just that your memories have been erased so that you can function optimally & without further complications."

Ayanami Rei. So that's my name. Driven by a sudden curiousity, I prompted to ask the commander a question,

"Why are my memories erased?"

The man seems a bit hesitant to answer, but he did anyway.

"It's for a vital purpose. You are the key to reconstruct humanity & the entire world itself. In order for you to function at best, all your past memories, sentiments, thoughts...must be eradicated. This is to obtain the utmost precision of you not betraying humanity's future."

He fell silent for a while, with a grim expression evident on his face. I felt compelled to soothe his gloom so I asked,

"What should I do to not betray you?"

"Don't..." He gritted his teeth before returning to a composed state.

"...fall in love with me."

**-End-**


End file.
